Lord Help My Unbelief

I started this entry on Thanksgiving more with the intent of just journalling the events of this past year, but not really with the intent of posting it. Now as I am sitting here reflecting on 2008 and welcoming in 2009, I've decided to go ahead and post it since it really is a summary of events that have deeply impacted me this past year. I may never see the big picture, but I am so grateful for a Sovereign God who not only see's it, but is tenderly orchestrating it all.

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As most people know, getting pregnant for Jimmy & I has not been a struggle. Staying pregnant, however, has been. Last summer (2007) we were so saddened by our 4th (possibly 5th) loss. And so set the stage for that October conversation in the car with Jennifer as we returned home from a scrapbooking weekend.

We both shared our fears regarding getting pregnant again. I didn't know if emotionally I could handle another loss. Her fear went even deeper, that she would carry a baby with severe special needs or even a child that wouldn't survive. Our conversation then moved to the blessing that comes with following our husband's leading and trusting in God's Sovereignty.

We both returned home to pray with our husbands and watch God lead. There's no question the excitement we felt on December 5, 2007 when we both discovered we were pregnant within two hours of eachother. She was due August 2nd, just a week before her husband's birthday and I was due August 16th, on my husband's birthday. We felt like God was confirming there really is blessing in following the leading of your husband.

Together we prepared to tell our families at Christmas. I drafted our family Christmas letter, but for some reason found myself waiting to mail off our exciting news. Just days before Christmas I had my first ultrasound and bloodwork done. I knew immediately things didn't look right and my hcg levels were too low. Sure enough, we lost our baby on Christmas Eve while opening presents at my parent's house.

This was the platform for my theme of 2008: Trust and Understanding. God continued to remind me of Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." For two weeks my heart ached as I wrestled with God, until I was finally able to come to the point of surrendering my will, my understanding and just trusting in His Sovereignty.

I was still so delighted for Jennifer and all the more thrilled to tell her on February 18th that we had conceived again. I was at peace with whatever the Lord chose for our life and the life of this unborn baby. Exactly one week later Jennifer received the most devastating news. The little boy she was carrying in her womb had Trisomy 18, similar to Downs Syndrome but with a fatal diagnosis. Oh how we wept together and struggled with telling our children and listening to them talk with eachother about Jennifer's dear little Timothy "becoming an angel". Was this because of that conversation in the car...or more likely, did God cause that conversation to take place in order to begin preparing us for what was ahead?

In the months that followed, Jen and I spent countless hours discussing her birth plans and funeral arrangements. These conversations were often just a part of our regular day, like we were discussing the weather or amount of laundry we had tackled that day - and yet, at the end of them we always looked at eachother thinking "Are we really having this conversation?" Never in our lives did we imagine that something like this could be a reality in our world.

On July 28, 2008 I had the privilege of being present for Jennifer's labor and delivery of her precious Timothy James. I remember the intense fear we felt as we watched his heartrate drop in utero and we questioned if that would be our final moment with Timothy. It felt as if all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room the moment he was finally born...Jen just kept asking "Is he breathing? Is he breathing?" While she had prepared herself for Timothy to be born "asleep", how she longed to have even a few moments with him alive in her arms. And then came that first breath. And another. And another. As labored as they were, he was breathing and in the arms of his Mommy, where he spent most of the short 2 hours and 50 minutes he was here on this earth.

Trust in the Lord...and lean not on your own understanding...

Fastforward exactly 3 months to the day that Timothy was born. On October 28th, I was laying in the hospital preparing to give birth to my son, when his heartrate began dropping. I felt as if I were in two delivery rooms at once. As I watched the flurry of nurses running around I would flashback to the day Timothy was born. I wanted Jennifer to be there, but didn't want her there at the same time. I begged the nurses to let me push Jonathan out regardless of the fact that there was not a Dr. present. I was overcome with gratitude, inexpressible gratefulness to God when Jonathan arrived and his heartrate returned to normal. At the same time, I found myself grieving for Jennifer.

The past two months during Sunday School we've been focusing on the Sovereignty of God. We've been constantly challenged to evaluate if we truly believe God is who He says He is, that God is Good...all the time. Right now Jonathan is one month old and bas been struggling with his breathing (written 11/28/08). I have wondered, will I still believe God is Good even if his condition proves to become progressively worse or even life threatening? I have found myself saying "Lord I believe...please help my unbelief". I hear His voice "Believe and not doubt."

Believe...I believe God is giving me my theme for 2009. A theme that I know will be a challenge and a blessing combined. Praise God for his patient refining in my life. While I still can't claim to have the answers and don't really understand all God is orchestrating, I will continue to believe in His Sovereignty and His Goodness.